MTHFR May Be My Missing Puzzle Piece

I am feeling like I am a science experiment that I am trying to solve. Weird things happen to me. Three miscarriages, almost no eggs left (are my ovaries failing at age 33), dizziness that led me to find out I have an incomplete right bundle branch block, horrible night terrors as a child, constant rashes as child, and heart palpitations. Not to mention one leg is almost an inch longer, I have a slight bit of scoliosis, and was born with a Stills heart murmur. The heart palpitations I have been having since I was about 12. I was told they were nothing and I would grow out of them. I have never grown out of them. Actually just yesterday I woke up feeling like my heart was racing. It came and went for about an hour after I woke up. At one point it felt really bad so I used my blood pressure monitor to take my pulse...it was 106 beats per minute. What the hell is going on with me?!? I am 33 years old. I am healthy, slender, eat well and exercise (well kind of I take lots of walks and chase after a 2 year old).

Recently I did find out something about myself that I think is a huge missing piece to my puzzle. I found out I have a MTHFR (Methylenetetrahydrofolate Reductase) mutation. I am heterozygous A1298C. This means I have a reduced ability to process folic acid/ folate into something my body can use. In other words I can not metabolize synthetic folic acid. Which is a bit of a problem because folic acid is added to nearly every multivitamin and food. If you have a MTHFR mutation it is recommended to stay clear from anything with folic acid. It can build up in your system and act like a toxin. Instead you should be taking methylfolate and methyl B12.

Speaking of toxins...MTHFR can make you very susceptible to toxins and chemicals. When exposed too many toxins and chemicals it can trigger the MTHFR gene mutation and cause many illnesses and disorders. Autism, autoimmune diseases, allergies, recurrent pregnancy loss, addictions, pulmonary embolisms, depression, schizophrenia, fibromyalgia, chronic fatigue syndrome, chemical sensitivity, Parkinson's, irritable bowel syndrome, pre-eclampsia, stroke, spina bifida, acute lymphoblastic leukemia, vascular dementia, bipolar disorder, male infertility, blood clots, rectal cancer, meningioma, congenital heart defects, infant depression, deficits in childhood cognitive development, gastric cancer, migraines, low HDL, high homocysteine, post-menopausal breast cancer, atherosclerosis, oral clefts, type 1 diabetes, epilepsy, Alzheimer's, potential drug toxicities, cervical dysplasia, multiple sclerosis, hypertension, prostate cancer, premature death, placental abruption, heart attack, methotrexate toxicity, heart murmurs, tight anal sphincters, tongue tie, unexplained neurologic disease, asthma, shortness of breath, bladder cancer, scoliosis and many more diseases and disorders.

If you have a MTHFR mutation I can not stress enough how important it is to limit your exposure to toxins and chemicals. Us MTHFR's have a very hard time ridding our systems of those yucky harmful toxins. Eat clean...no processed foods, grass fed meats, antibiotic free dairy and eggs, organic, free of pesticides, and non-GMO. Be careful what you put on your skin. Makeup, shampoos, lotions, hair products, toothpaste, deodorant and sunscreens all can have very harmful chemicals that easily absorb through you skin. Use non-toxic paint. Make your own cleaning products, dish soap and laundry soap. Weed killer and bug killer are also bad. Check your drinking water...you may want to invest in a whole house water osmosis system. And I hate to say it because now I am going to get so many eye rolls and negative comments come my way...absolutely no vaccines!

Be clean, eat clean, live clean. My general rule is that if I don't know what the ingredients are I don't use it. It will be good for you, your children, your pets and also Mother earth.

"Resolve to Know More"

My 13 week old fetus lay floating at the bottom of the toilet. This is the image that will forever be in my head. I am haunted with it ever day, but yet I can't speak about it to others.

5am on September 3, 2013 began an event in my life I will never forget. I am awaken by a very strong contraction. It's beginning...I am going to lose my baby. For the next hour I lay in bed in terrible pain, curled into a tight ball, tears falling from my eyes. My husband stayed by my side rubbing my lower back and watched me crumble into pieces. The amount of blood I was losing was scary, but nothing new to me. Previous to this miscarriage I had experienced childbirth and a miscarriage at 10 weeks. I suddenly feel the urge to poop and make my way to the bathroom. My tiny little baby falls into the toilet. I collapse into hysterical sobbing tears. I never knew I was capable of crying so loud and so hard. It scared me! My husband gently removed our baby from the toilet and rinsed her off. She was about 3 inches long but looked just like a baby. She had eyes, ears and a mouth and tiny little fingers and toes. She was our baby girl that we lost unexpectedly at 13 weeks.

I wasn't sure if I would be able to pull myself out of my depression and sadness and be able to move on. It took a couple months but thanks to the support of my family, friends and the Resolve community I pulled myself together and started trying again for baby #2. 

Seven months later I became pregnant again. Unfortunately I miscarried and had a D&C at 7 weeks. As the doctors were about to take me away for my D&C my daughter says to a nurse "I'm getting a baby sister." My heart broke! What was wrong with my body? Why was it failing me? Four pregnancies...three of which ended in a miscarriage.

After many all day drives to my infertility specialist, countless vials of blood drawn, and more ultrasounds I was diagnosed with low ovarian reserve. When I say low I mean LOW...scary low. I pretty much have no eggs left. At age 33 I was told my reproductive age was more like a 42 year old woman. After speaking with three reproductive specialists I was told by one that IVF was my best option of ever having a second child, another recommended no medication IVF and the third doctor said donor eggs would be our best option. 

As much as I want to dive right into an IVF cycle we can't right now. It is extremely expensive and unfortunately our insurance will not cover it. We have a beautiful two year old little girl and as much as we want to give her that little sister she has been asking for we have to think about her future. Depleting our bank account for multiple IVF treatments that may not work could take away from all the things we want and hope to give her in life. If only insurance would consider my infertility a disease and stop calling it cosmetic. I need help! We need help! This is why I am passionate about infertility. We are a group that is overlooked. We are told to just relax and it will happen. If only it was that easy!

I Resolve to educate others about infertility. 

I Resolve to never give up. I Resolve to stand strong.

 I Resolve to have a voice. I Resolve to tell my story. 

Thank you to National Infertility Awareness Week, April 20-26 2014

To learn more about the RESOLVE movement and infertility please visit the RESOLVE website.

http://www.resolve.org/
http://www.resolve.org/infertility-overview/what-is-infertility/
http://www.resolve.org/national-infertility-awareness-week/about.html

Miscarriage #3

My life just keeps getting even more interesting...and not interesting in a good way. Since my last blog post a lot has happened. I saw the cardiologist...my heart is good. They think I was born with the right bundle branch block and it shouldn't give me any problems. As far as the dizziness goes he said that I have something called a vasovegal response. It is a common fainting condition that is not serious. Weird, but okay.

Right before I went to see the cardiologist I found out I was pregnant. I couldn't even believe it. How!?! It just seemed too easy. I probably took at least ten pregnancy tests over the period of a week. I was sure my eyes were playing tricks on me. My ob wanted to see me right away to confirm the pregnancy and see if everything looked okay. My first ultrasound was at 4 weeks. You can't see much then, but what he could see he thought things looked good. Although he was extremely worried about my heart and ordered another ekg, an echocardiogram, and a 24 hour halter monitor. I have been feeling a lot like a lab rat lately, but this day was the worst. I had 8 leads stuck all over my chest with wires coming out of them leading to a little computer that I had to wear around my waist that kept track of my hearts activity. I wore this for 24 hours. It actually wasn't too bad...not as annoying as I thought it would be. That day I felt like I had been sent through the ringer and back. Luckily all the tests came back good aside from the right bundle branch bock which was incomplete. My halter monitor showed that my heart sometimes palpitates. It does the same thing that someones heart might do after drinking three cups of coffee. Mine just does it on its own though without the coffee. Since my heart is healthy, now I just had to worry about being pregnant. I was nervous, but I was sure everything would be okay. I didn't think I could possibly have two miscarriages in a row.

My ob wanted to see me the following week when I was 5 1/2 weeks. During the ultrasound he says "where are you baby?" Staring at that ultrasound screen I had a flashback to my first miscarriage. It looked so much the same. An empty gestational sac with no baby. My doctor looked a little concerned but told me not to worry that it is early and the yolk sac is probably there and we are just having trouble seeing it. He wanted to see me the following week for another ultrasound. Then I would be almost 7 weeks. That week leading up to my ultrasound was difficult. I was scared but trying to be positive. I didn't want to think negatively about this pregnancy. I was happy thinking about being pregnant and giving birth to my new baby in November. I knew my daughter would be so excited having a little sister or brother to play with. When it was time for my ultrasound I was actually feeling pretty good. I think I did know in the back of my mind what the ultrasound would reveal, but I did't want to believe it. I was expecting to see a baby, I wanted to see a baby, but when we didn't I honestly wasn't surprised at all. It was another blighted ovum just like my first miscarriage. I was so sad, mad, disappointed and frustrated! I couldn't believe I was going to have another miscarriage. Three! Three! Why me? Why my family? Of course every time this happens I ask myself what I did wrong. Maybe I was so stressed about my something wrong with my heart that I caused this miscarriage, but what caused my other miscarriages. I'll never know.

I decided to get a D&C this time. My last two I miscarried naturally. Who knew how long I would carry the pregnancy and then how long I would miscarry for. With my first blighted ovum I didn't actually miscarry until almost 10 weeks and I bled for almost a month. I thought with a D&C I could move on sooner and hopefully get my period sooner. I had my D&C three days ago. I was 7 weeks.

I am so lucky to have my little girl. I am so grateful for her. She really is my little miracle baby. I hope I able to give her a brother or sister one day, but at this point I am not feeling good about it. I feel defeated and like I am losing all hope.

Right Bundle Branch Block

I am feeling defeated! I need to figure out a way to handle my stress in a healthy way. Maybe I need a punching bag in my garage.

I have had a lot going on with me lately it seems. I feel I have reached my limit. I don't know if I can take much more. I feel like I was down and someone came along and kicked me and then someone else came and kicked me again and again and again.

Aside from my miscarriage that I had in September I have also found out that I have pretty much no eggs left. My chances of conceiving another baby are slim to none. I am 33, but my doctor has put my reproductive age at 42. 42! My FSH is 14 and my AMH is .18. For those of you who are familiar with those numbers know that those are not good, especially my AMH. Two doctors have told me that IVF is probably our only option but chance of miscarriage is very high and a third doctor believes egg donation is about our only option.

If this wasn't enough for me to deal with I now have to go see a cardiologist. The other week I woke up and walked into the bathroom where I almost collapsed. I was so dizzy I couldn't even stand. I sat on the toilet and almost then feel off the toilet. I also felt nauseous and was extremely hot. I laid on the bathroom floor until I felt stable enough to walk to my bed. Once in bed my husband took my blood pressure and heart rate. My heart rate was 40 beats per minute! I have also been having frequent heart palpitations where I feel like I have to catch my breath. The heart palpitations is not a new thing for me. I have been having them on and off since I was a kid. They use to happen occasionally but lately seem to be happening daily, sometimes several times a day. After the dizzy spell I decided to go see the doctor. I was thinking the she was going to tell me that the dizziness was vertigo from an inner ear infection and that the more frequent heart palpitations was from stress. I had an EKG done which came back abnormal. My heart rate was very slow and I had a right bundle branch block. My doctor referred me to see a cardiologist. I am still awaiting my appointment. I feel scared, worried, and sick with fear.

A right bundle branch block is a defect in the heart's electrical conduction system. It is a condition in which there is a delay or obstruction along the pathway that electrical impulses travel to make your heart beat. Bundle branch block sometimes makes it harder for your heart to pump blood efficiently through your circulatory system. There is no specific treatment for bundle branch block itself. However any underlying condition will need to be treated. Bundle branch block is often, usually, caused by heart or lung disease. Although in some cases a completely healthy person can develop bundle branch block. Sometimes, bundle branch block is associated with other problems in the heart's electrical system that can lead to dangerously slow heartbeats that need treatment with a pacemaker. Signs and symptoms can be fainting, dizziness, and having a slow heart rate. (http://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/bundle-branch-block/basics/definition/con-20027273)

I have a two week wait until I see a cardiologist. I am trying to figure out how not to worry and stress about it. It very well may be benign...just the way I am made up, but there is also a possibility that something worse could be wrong. This is never something I would have ever thought I would have to worry about in my thirties. I feel so mad! Why me?!? I feel like my body is falling apart.

What Not To Say To Someone Who Has Had A Miscarriage

I use to always think that once you were pregnant you stayed pregnant. Losing a baby during pregnancy was something that happened in the olden days when women gave birth in their farmhouse on the prairie, not a modern day occurrence. I have had two miscarriages now. I am here to tell you...it happens. It happens more than you would think. I can guarantee you that there is at least one women you know that has miscarried a baby. It may be a relative, a friend, a person you work with or the lady bagging your groceries. These women have gone through a traumatic life changing event...and they don't speak of it. Is it shame, the insensitive responses one receives from friends, relatives, and coworkers, or is it society minimizing the emotional and physiological impact it has on a woman. In my experience it is all of the above. 

Do I feel shame? A little. I understand miscarriages happen and there was nothing I could have done to stop it, but a small part of me still blames myself. I know I shouldn't, but it is so hard not to. I think maybe if I hadn't had that glass of wine before I found out I was pregnant, or if only I hadn't worked myself so hard that one day, or maybe it was because I was breathing in paint fumes while I was painting the babies room, or was it because I ate sushi?

Anyone who has had a miscarriage knows too well the insensitive and hurtful remarks friends, family, and coworkers can say. 

      "It was for the best. Something was probably wrong with the baby."
      "In a week you will feel better."
      "Try not to worry. You can always get pregnant again and have another baby."
      "Be grateful of the child that you already have."
      "At least you weren't that far along."
      "At least you CAN get pregnant."
      "This won't affect your work will it?"

I think worse than these remarks is when someone just completely ignores your miscarriage all together. I am sure it is because they just don't know what to say and they don't want to hurt you by saying the wrong thing, but not saying or doing anything at all is almost more hurtful than saying the wrong thing. If you don't know what to say show you care by doing something like sending flowers or a card.

Society plays a huge part in how we feel about miscarriages. They have been so downplayed that those suffering don't feel they are allowed to show grief and mourn their unborn baby. Most woman and their partners suffer silently through the pain of a miscarriage. They don't feel they have the support of friends and family.

Studies show that 10-25% of pregnancies end in miscarriage. Most miscarriages happen before 13 weeks. So if it is so common why are they such an unspoken topic? Because people don't want to hear about the death of a baby. It is not a pleasant thing to talk or think about. Also lots of people don't understand how real the baby inside your womb actually was, even early on. I had my last miscarriage at 13 weeks. The baby was tiny, but looked just like a baby. It was about three inches long...had eyes, a mouth and a nose. It had arms and legs and tiny little fingers and toes. The baby even had its genitalia. It was a baby girl. Technically she was still considered a fetus and we were suppose to just dispose of her with the hospitals medical waste, but to me she was my baby girl. I had her at home and my husband and I had a little funeral for her (just the two of us and our one year old daughter). As painful as it was miscarrying her in my bathroom and then holding her tiny frail body in my hands, I would have not wanted it any differently. If I had gotten a D&C I would have never gotten to hold her and see how real she actually was. I wouldn't have gotten to say goodbye to her. She would have been incinerated with all the other medical hospital waste and tossed out like a piece of trash. 

So to anyone out there who has had a miscarriage. Your pain, sorrow and suffering is real. Take as long as you need and get the support you deserve. To those of you who have been lucky enough to have never dealt with a miscarriage, it is very real and it is traumatic. I would never wish it on my worst enemy.

13 Weeks

We had my daughter Ruby's 2nd birthday party at the park this weekend. She had so much fun! I can't believe she is growing up so fast. She is so smart, pretty and the sweetest little girl you will ever meet. I love her so much!

It was a perfect day except a little hard for me at times. While I am so happy and feel so lucky to have my beautiful daughter I still really want another child. I really want to give her a little brother or sister. I had sisters and can't imagine not having them in my lives. They are my best friends.

I tried to not think about having another baby that day and focus all my attention and thoughts on Ruby, but it was almost impossible. I invited five other families all of which have two year old kids and brand new babies or are pregnant with the second. I remember before I was pregnant with Ruby it seemed like everyone was getting pregnant except me. I resented those women and was jealous. Why was it so much easier for everyone else and seemed almost impossible for me? I didn't think I would ever feel the sadness and jealousy of seeing other woman pregnant or with new babies again. I was wrong. I am experiencing all those same feelings and thoughts all over again. I hate being that person who is jealous of someone else's joy and happiness.

I congratulated one of the woman who was pregnant. She is so nice and doesn't deserve my negative jealous thoughts. She talked about how they weren't telling anybody until they were in the clear and are now starting to tell people. When she told me she was 13 weeks I had to fight back the tears. She was so happy talking about her pregnancy. I didn't want to ruin it by bursting into tears. The reason it affected me so much was because she was 13 weeks and felt she was in the clear of anything bad happening. She was noticeably pregnant. Just starting to show with the cutest little belly. I had my last miscarriage at 13 weeks and I looked pregnant too. My baby looked healthy and had a nice strong heartbeat just two weeks before. I thought I was in the clear too. Then I just suddenly lost the baby for some unknown reason. What am I to do though? People don't want to hear about the baby you lost. They want to hear about the baby you are pregnant with. It is a dark secret that I think about everyday yet I have to pretend like I am over it and put a smile on my face. 

Goodbye Eggs. You Lived A Good Life.

FUCKITY FUCKING FUCK FUCK FUCKER!
Please excuse my language but I fucking got my period this morning. I don't know why I am so surprised. You would think I would be use to this by now. I shouldn't even be writing right now either. I have so much to do today. Tomorrow is my daughters birthday. She will be two. I have lots to do to prepare for her party. I need to be making strawberry cupcakes not writing about my fucking period. I thought if I do a quick vent I can get back to what is most important...making the perfect strawberry cupcake. 

I know getting pregnant for me is not easy, but I just felt so hopeful this month. We really tried hard. I was so convinced I was pregnant that I have already taken two pregnancy tests...yesterday and the day before. Even after seeing the negatives I still thought I might be pregnant. Maybe I was just testing too early I thought. Not the case. Aunt Flow decided to make a visit again this month. 

This is the really hard part about infertility. You don't just mourn one loss and then get over it. You mourn a loss every month when you get your period. You mourn what the future may not hold. For me every month feels like a huge loss. I don't have time on my side. Sure I am only 33 but I have the eggs of a 42 year old. I don't have time to waste. I may only have a year left to conceive or I may have several. The unknown is what is so upsetting. Every month I get my period that is just one month closer to my expiration date.

Some people may think my wording may sound a bit extreme. You may be thinking that I am talking like I am dying...expiration date...I don't have time on my side...mourn a loss monthly. I am healthy and plan to live a long life, but my eggs on the other hand are not. They are dying off quickly and much sooner than most. I am fighting for my second child's life. I just need one good egg. Is that to much to ask for?

Clomid, IUI, Acupuncture...I tried it all

I want to write about my current situation right now but I feel I should catch you up on what all has gone on with me in the world of my uterus and its two useless sidekicks (that being my ovaries). So the last I told you about is when I started seeing a reproductive specialist in Beverly Hills, CA. I had 36 months (that's three years for us math challenged people) of unsuccessful sperm meets egg encounters. One lucky month a sperm did court of one my eggs which resulted in a pregnancy. Who knows if the sperm was a jerk or maybe my egg got cold feet. The pregnancy ended in a blighted ovum miscarriage which means the fertilized egg implanted itself into my uterus but didn't develop into an embryo. Pretty much sperm meets egg, they bought a house together, and then bailed at the last moment and never moved in.

When I started seeing the "Baby Maker" in Beverly Hills he took me under his wing and made me his lab rat. Blood test after blood test, ultrasound after ultrasound, month after month. So many fun things done to me. They were taking so much blood from me my arms were beginning to look like that of a drug addict. Then the oh so lovely Hysterosalpingogram (HSG) Dye Test. Holy cramps! It was not a pleasant experience. I figured once in my life was enough but I just found out that I will need to do it again. Oh joy! Can't wait!

Blood tests are so nerve-racking when the doctor calls to discuss the results. My FSH was elevated...14. The doctor said that my high FSH (follical stimulating hormone) was most likely the reason for my miscarriage and trouble impregnating myself. I had never heard of FSH before but it sure did upset me! I cried and cried about my high FSH. Stupid hormones...they can really cause problems. Probably the reason for the painful pimple on my back right now. I wish I could send my hormones to boot camp and get them whipped back into shape.

My baby doctor suggested we start Clomid and try doing an IUI. I was so stressed out at the time and depressed about my situation that I wanted to get my head in the game before moving forward. I took about four months of trying to de-stress myself. I started acupuncture, went on a diet, and started taking Chinese herbs to help with infertility and depression. I finally felt mentally ready for someone else other than my husband to inject my husbands sperm into me.

I started Clomid. Warning to those who have never taken Clomid. Weight gain, hot flashes and just an overall crazy hormone induced mixture of rage and teary-eyed emotions is what you may experience. I was driving back and forth to the doctor from the moment my period started to the time they finally injected me with sperm. Each time I went it was almost three hours each way! Too bad they don't have mileage points that count towards infertility treatments. I would have racked up so many mileage points that it would probably pay for the IVF treatment that I now need to have done.

I received two IUI's on one cycle. One on Saturday and one on Sunday. They sandwiched my ovulation. Better chance that one would take.

Neither took. Two failed IUI's in one month! I was devastated. My doctor thought the next course of treatment would be a more aggressive medication. He thought I should start injectables and then try another IUI. I was so sad that I just needed a small break. My husband and I decided to take the next month off. I wanted a vacation from baby making. Somehow someway we became pregnant that month. We were shocked. The month we stop trying I conceive. I was a complete wreck my first trimester. Always worried that I was going to miscarry. I ended up having a wonderful pregnancy and gave birth to a beautiful healthy baby girl. We were so happy. It was a long hard journey to finally get our baby.

Prize for Crappiest Friend Ever Goes To................

I can't decide for whom I am writing this blog for. For myself as an outlet and a place to vent, or maybe for my daughter and possibly my future children to read one day, or maybe for other women and couples who are going through or have gone through infertility, miscarriages and pregnancy. So on that note, today I am writing for myself. I need to vent!

Anybody who has ever dealt with something difficult in their life knows how important it is to have the support of friends and family. Often in hard times you find out who your true friends are. I am definitely finding that out. So here it goes....I have a friend...lets call her Rose. I really like her and I thought she liked me. Our husbands are best friends and I thought we were growing very close as well. She is fun, nice, smart, down to earth, level headed, pretty, funny, and I thought a good friend. She was someone I could picture as a friend. I dealt with infertility for a few years before I had my daughter. During that time I had a miscarriage. I was devastated. She was one person that I talked to about how sad I was. She saw me cry often and was always very supportive. Then I got pregnant again and she kind of disappeared for awhile. Then towards the end of my pregnancy she offered to throw me a baby shower. She tried a couple of times but the party never happened. It probably never happened because the people she was inviting to the party were her friends...not mine. I knew them through her but they were not the people I would have invited to my baby shower. Weird I know! Plus the two times she tried to give me a party she invited people one day before the party. That's right...I said ONE day. Of course no one came.

Once I had my baby things were great! She was always checking in to see how I was doing. Made my baby headbands and booties. We often went to lunch together. And then she got pregnant. I was so excited! I thought this would make us even better friends. Our daughters would be close in age. I envisioned play-dates, dinners and lunches together, maybe even all of us taking a vacation together. During her pregnancy I really wanted to be there for her...not like how she was for me. I threw her a bachelorette party (she and her boyfriend decided to get married since they were pregnant), a baby shower, let her borrow all my maternity clothes, and once her baby was born let her borrow tons of baby stuff.

A couple months after she had her baby I found out I was pregnant. That was the point when things started to change. When my belly started showing I sent her a text asking for my maternity clothes back. She responded back that she wasn't wearing them anymore and she would get them back to me sometime. Almost a month later I miscarried. I no longer needed the clothes, but I was still annoyed that she never returned them to me. I was kind enough to lend them to her but returning the clothes to me when I needed them seemed to be the last thing on her mind. When I miscarried she was not there for me at all. I did get a text from her that said "I heard the bad news. So sorry." That was it! I was upset that she didn't check in to see how I was doing so I decided to send her an email. I opened up to her about my miscarriage. Told her intimate details that you would only tell a friend. Let her know how I was doing. She never responded to my email. A few months after I saw her and she mentioned that she did get my email and forgot to respond. Pretty crappy friend right!?! I saw her another time and she barely acknowledged me. She acted like we barely knew each other. I was very upset about it. Did she not like me anymore? Why? I couldn't think of a single reason why. There wasn't a reason. Upset and wanting to resolve things I sent her an email. Two weeks passed and no response. So I sent a text asking if she got my email. She claimed she didn't so I sent it again. She responded back but what she said I can't stop thinking about. It has been months and her words are still haunting me.

She told me that she was not mad at me and that if something was wrong she thinks that is probably because I am so upset about my miscarriage that I can't enjoy anything. WHAT!?! How would she know how I feel or am doing about my miscarriage. She never even cared to ask me. And yes, of course I am extremely sad about it, but my life goes on. Most people that didn't know what happened would probably have no idea that I am and was dealing with something upsetting in my life. I can be sad and depressed about loosing my baby, but that doesn't mean that I still can't enjoy myself at a dinner out with friends. Despite my miscarriage I am still a fun person to be around.

I almost forgot to vent about one more remark she said. When I offered her my maternity clothes to borrow she accepted them graciously. Then about a week later she texted me and said that she tried on the maternity clothes and that they were huge and there was no way she would get that big. So she returned them to me. Of course they were huge on her at the time, she was only two months pregnant. I was of course was a little insulted. We wear the same size pre-pregnancy and I didn't think I was that big when I was pregnant but whatever. Maybe she would end up as one of those super skinny pregnant ladies. I refer to those women as having "pregrexia". The funny part to this story is that about two months later she asked for the clothes back. She had grown out of the tiny maternity sizes she had bought and needed my "huge" pregnant clothes. To add just a little bit more humor to the subject...she eventually outgrew my maternity clothes. What she returned to me in the beginning saying that she would never be that huge, she became to huge herself to wear. Now if that is not Karma I don't know what is.

Oh my gosh I almost forgot about one more crazy rude thing Rose did. When I gave her the news that I was pregnant again she told me that I needed to give her the new breast pump that I can get for free through the new Obama care and that she needed me to order it right away. I already had one breast pump that I borrowed from my sister that I was using with my one year old daughter so I wasn't really planning to get the new breast pump. And if I did I wasn't going to give it to Rose...I would give my current pump back to my sister and keep the new Obama care one for myself. Rose was going back to work and wanted a second pump that she could keep at work so she didn't have to bring it back and forth between work and home. It really annoyed me that she felt so entitled to my breast pump. She wanted me to sign up for my free pump instantly so she could have one and until I got the new one she would need to use the one I currently had. WHAT!?! How rude right? I kindly told her that I wasn't sure if I would be signing up to get the free pump and that I still needed my pump since I was still nursing. I would let her know what I was planning on doing with the pumps if I ended up getting the free Obama pump. Then she responded back that she would send her son over to pick up my breast pump tomorrow. I was dumbfounded. Did she not hear anything I just told her. So again I told that NO she could NOT have my pump. I was still nursing and needed it. Then I suggested that she buy a second one. After all between her and her husband they probably earn about $200,000 a year. I think she can afford a pump.

To this day I still don't know what is going on with our friendship. I am still hoping to have a friendship (not sure why), but at this point I think it is up to her.

Sprinkles Cupcakes = Heaven In My Mouth

About a year after my first miscarriage and still not pregnant I started going to Southern California Reproductive Center where I was being seen by reproductive specialist Dr. Shahin Ghadir. For the first time I felt like a doctor was going to actually acknowledge I had a problem getting pregnant and try and help me. The doctors, nurses and staff were so compassionate, understanding, and treat you like you are their only patient. They are located in Beverly Hills, CA which isn't a bad place to have to go to a doctors appointment. It would take me almost three hours to drive from my house to the doctors office so you bet I was going to try and enjoy a little quality time in Beverly Hills. Nothing takes your mind off a Hysteropingogram (dye test) than a mouth-watering Sprinkles Cupcake and a stroll down Rodeo Drive.

Speaking of Sprinkles Cupcakes...if you have never had one you are missing out. They are to die for!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Eating a Sprinkles Cupcake should be on everyone's bucket list. You may be saying to yourself, "No thanks....I don't like cupcakes." Well I don't like them either, but this is not a cupcake. It is heaven. Also if you don't like frosting you can get cupcakes without frosting. I love that since I am not a huge fan of frosting. Although as frosting goes theirs is pretty awesome. Their cupcakes vary day to day. So they may not always have the same ones. They do seasonal cupcakes also. In the fall I had an awesome Pumpkin cupcake. One of my favorites that they seem to almost always have is the Cinnamon cupcake without frosting. The carrot cake, chocolate and red velvet are delicious too.

You're Not Pregnant...Now Get the Hell Out

Finally after almost two years of trying to conceive I got a "big fat positive"! I was so happy! It finally happened. I was going to have a baby!

I went to the doctor for my first prenatal visit at about 6 weeks. They had me pee on a stick and took a blood test to check my HCG level. It was official...I was pregnant. I told everybody! I wanted to scream it from the roof tops. At 7 weeks they wanted to test my HCG level again. No biggy. I figured this was normal protocol and that everything was perfect. They called me back a few days after my second HCG blood test. They said everything was fine, but they wanted me to come in for an ultrasound appointment to look at the baby because my HCG wasn't as high as they would like to see it. I immediately feared for the worst, but they once again assured me everything was fine and there was nothing to worry about. I had to wait a whole week for my ultrasound. It was the longest week of my life! I was sick with worry!

The day of my ultrasound was one of the worst days of my life. Unfortunately my husband had an important meeting and couldn't be there. It seemed like any other day for the ultrasound tech. She delivered my bad news and told me I could have the room to compose myself. I was going to miscarry! This miscarriage was called a blighted ovum which is when a fertilized egg implants itself into the uterus but doesn't develop into an embryo. I cried so hard! After about 5 minutes the woman came back in and told me that they needed the room for the next patient and I would need to leave. I walked through the waiting room full of expectant mothers, tears falling from my eyes. Once in my car I cried for over an hour in the parking lot. I was crying so hard that there was no way I could drive home. I felt so alone and like my world had just been destroyed. I didn't want to tell my husband the bad news. I felt like a complete failure. I had never heard of anyone having a miscarriage. Was I the only one?!? Was this a rare occurrence?!? What had I done wrong?!?

My doctor thought a D&C would be best, but I chose to wait and miscarry at home. In the back of my mind I thought it was all a mistake. There was no way I was going to let them scrape out my uterus...what if there just maybe was a baby in there. I ended up miscarrying at almost 10 weeks. It was very painful! Heavy bleeding and extremely painful cramps. The worst of it lasted for about 3 hours, but I went on to bleed for almost a full month! During this time while miscarrying I had my 29th birthday, was packing our apartment getting ready to move from Virginia to California, trying to buy a house that was 3,000 miles away, and saying goodbye to my business that I started myself. Needless to say it was a very stressful time!

Please Don't Cook With These Egg Whites

My infertility journey began 7 years ago when I was 27 years old. I went off the pill after taking it for almost 9 years straight. I had been married to my wonderful, loving and very supportive husband for three years and was ready to start a family. Like most couples I thought it would be easy. I figured the moment I stopped the pill I would be pregnant within a few months. I was so naive!

A year later...still not pregnant. I decided I better get serious and learn more about TTC.

I started charting my temperature. Or at least attempting. My problem with taking my temperature was trying to remember the instant I woke up to stick a foreign object into my mouth. Did you know that just raising your head off your pillow or sitting up will change your temperature. I was so bad at it you could tell nothing from my temperature. It was all over the place.

I tried the ovulation tests. First of all they are expensive. If I used them every month for as long as I have been TTC I would be broke. Second of all I never really seemed to get a clear positive. The line was always close in color to the other line but never as dark as or darker than.

Then I learned about my favorite go to method. Checking my cervical mucus. To do this method you can't be shy or embarrassed about your body. I remembered the first time I told one of my girlfriends about this. She thought it was hysterical and horrifying all at the same time. If you are unfamiliar with checking your cervical mucus it really is quite easy and not gross at all. Follow this step by step guide to checking your cervical mucus. (This makes me laugh. Something like this needs a step by step guide.)

          1.  Wash hands

          2.  Insert finger as far as you can into your vagina. The best source of cervical mucus is at your cervix.

          3.  Inspect cervical mucus.

          4.  Cervical mucus can be sticky, creamy, wet, watery and like egg whites.

          5.  Look for egg whites. Egg white cervical mucus will stretch an inch or more between fingers.

          6.  If you see egg whites you are ripe for the picking. Time to have sex.

See No, Hear No, Speak No Evil

This isn't my first rodeo being a blogger. I started a blog years ago. My heart and soul went into writing for it. And then I deleted all existence of my blog just like that. I wanted no trace of it. I wanted to forget all that I had written. Pretend like none of it ever happened.

You are probably speculating what I wrote about. Don't worry it was nothing criminal. It was just a period in my life that was emotionally exhausting. I overcame my issue for the time being and I thought if I deleted my blog that I would never have to think or deal with it again. Well, guess what....not true at all. I am back on the emotional roller coaster known as...................INFERTILITY!