Wednesday, February 12, 2014

What Not To Say To Someone Who Has Had A Miscarriage

I use to always think that once you were pregnant you stayed pregnant. Losing a baby during pregnancy was something that happened in the olden days when women gave birth in their farmhouse on the prairie, not a modern day occurrence. I have had two miscarriages now. I am here to tell you...it happens. It happens more than you would think. I can guarantee you that there is at least one women you know that has miscarried a baby. It may be a relative, a friend, a person you work with or the lady bagging your groceries. These women have gone through a traumatic life changing event...and they don't speak of it. Is it shame, the insensitive responses one receives from friends, relatives, and coworkers, or is it society minimizing the emotional and physiological impact it has on a woman. In my experience it is all of the above. 


Do I feel shame? A little. I understand miscarriages happen and there was nothing I could have done to stop it, but a small part of me still blames myself. I know I shouldn't, but it is so hard not to. I think maybe if I hadn't had that glass of wine before I found out I was pregnant, or if only I hadn't worked myself so hard that one day, or maybe it was because I was breathing in paint fumes while I was painting the babies room, or was it because I ate sushi?

Anyone who has had a miscarriage knows too well the insensitive and hurtful remarks friends, family, and coworkers can say. 
      "It was for the best. Something was probably wrong with the baby."
      "In a week you will feel better."
      "Try not to worry. You can always get pregnant again and have another baby."
      "Be grateful of the child that you already have."
      "At least you weren't that far along."
      "At least you CAN get pregnant."
      "This won't affect your work will it?"
I think worse than these remarks is when someone just completely ignores your miscarriage all together. I am sure it is because they just don't know what to say and they don't want to hurt you by saying the wrong thing, but not saying or doing anything at all is almost more hurtful than saying the wrong thing. If you don't know what to say show you care by doing something like sending flowers or a card.

Society plays a huge part in how we feel about miscarriages. They have been so downplayed that those suffering don't feel they are allowed to show grief and mourn their unborn baby. Most woman and their partners suffer silently through the pain of a miscarriage. They don't feel they have the support of friends and family.


Studies show that 10-25% of pregnancies end in miscarriage. Most miscarriages happen before 13 weeks. So if it is so common why are they such an unspoken topic? Because people don't want to hear about the death of a baby. It is not a pleasant thing to talk or think about. Also lots of people don't understand how real the baby inside your womb actually was, even early on. I had my last miscarriage at 13 weeks. The baby was tiny, but looked just like a baby. It was about three inches long...had eyes, a mouth and a nose. It had arms and legs and tiny little fingers and toes. The baby even had its genitalia. It was a baby girl. Technically she was still considered a fetus and we were suppose to just dispose of her with the hospitals medical waste, but to me she was my baby girl. I had her at home and my husband and I had a little funeral for her (just the two of us and our one year old daughter). As painful as it was miscarrying her in my bathroom and then holding her tiny frail body in my hands, I would have not wanted it any differently. If I had gotten a D&C I would have never gotten to hold her and see how real she actually was. I wouldn't have gotten to say goodbye to her. She would have been incinerated with all the other medical hospital waste and tossed out like a piece of trash. 

So to anyone out there who has had a miscarriage. Your pain, sorrow and suffering is real. Take as long as you need and get the support you deserve. To those of you who have been lucky enough to have never dealt with a miscarriage, it is very real and it is traumatic. I would never wish it on my worst enemy.

1 comment:

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