Miscarriage #3

My life just keeps getting even more interesting...and not interesting in a good way. Since my last blog post a lot has happened. I saw the cardiologist...my heart is good. They think I was born with the right bundle branch block and it shouldn't give me any problems. As far as the dizziness goes he said that I have something called a vasovegal response. It is a common fainting condition that is not serious. Weird, but okay.

Right before I went to see the cardiologist I found out I was pregnant. I couldn't even believe it. How!?! It just seemed too easy. I probably took at least ten pregnancy tests over the period of a week. I was sure my eyes were playing tricks on me. My ob wanted to see me right away to confirm the pregnancy and see if everything looked okay. My first ultrasound was at 4 weeks. You can't see much then, but what he could see he thought things looked good. Although he was extremely worried about my heart and ordered another ekg, an echocardiogram, and a 24 hour halter monitor. I have been feeling a lot like a lab rat lately, but this day was the worst. I had 8 leads stuck all over my chest with wires coming out of them leading to a little computer that I had to wear around my waist that kept track of my hearts activity. I wore this for 24 hours. It actually wasn't too bad...not as annoying as I thought it would be. That day I felt like I had been sent through the ringer and back. Luckily all the tests came back good aside from the right bundle branch bock which was incomplete. My halter monitor showed that my heart sometimes palpitates. It does the same thing that someones heart might do after drinking three cups of coffee. Mine just does it on its own though without the coffee. Since my heart is healthy, now I just had to worry about being pregnant. I was nervous, but I was sure everything would be okay. I didn't think I could possibly have two miscarriages in a row.

My ob wanted to see me the following week when I was 5 1/2 weeks. During the ultrasound he says "where are you baby?" Staring at that ultrasound screen I had a flashback to my first miscarriage. It looked so much the same. An empty gestational sac with no baby. My doctor looked a little concerned but told me not to worry that it is early and the yolk sac is probably there and we are just having trouble seeing it. He wanted to see me the following week for another ultrasound. Then I would be almost 7 weeks. That week leading up to my ultrasound was difficult. I was scared but trying to be positive. I didn't want to think negatively about this pregnancy. I was happy thinking about being pregnant and giving birth to my new baby in November. I knew my daughter would be so excited having a little sister or brother to play with. When it was time for my ultrasound I was actually feeling pretty good. I think I did know in the back of my mind what the ultrasound would reveal, but I did't want to believe it. I was expecting to see a baby, I wanted to see a baby, but when we didn't I honestly wasn't surprised at all. It was another blighted ovum just like my first miscarriage. I was so sad, mad, disappointed and frustrated! I couldn't believe I was going to have another miscarriage. Three! Three! Why me? Why my family? Of course every time this happens I ask myself what I did wrong. Maybe I was so stressed about my something wrong with my heart that I caused this miscarriage, but what caused my other miscarriages. I'll never know.

I decided to get a D&C this time. My last two I miscarried naturally. Who knew how long I would carry the pregnancy and then how long I would miscarry for. With my first blighted ovum I didn't actually miscarry until almost 10 weeks and I bled for almost a month. I thought with a D&C I could move on sooner and hopefully get my period sooner. I had my D&C three days ago. I was 7 weeks.

I am so lucky to have my little girl. I am so grateful for her. She really is my little miracle baby. I hope I able to give her a brother or sister one day, but at this point I am not feeling good about it. I feel defeated and like I am losing all hope.

Clomid, IUI, Acupuncture...I tried it all

I want to write about my current situation right now but I feel I should catch you up on what all has gone on with me in the world of my uterus and its two useless sidekicks (that being my ovaries). So the last I told you about is when I started seeing a reproductive specialist in Beverly Hills, CA. I had 36 months (that's three years for us math challenged people) of unsuccessful sperm meets egg encounters. One lucky month a sperm did court of one my eggs which resulted in a pregnancy. Who knows if the sperm was a jerk or maybe my egg got cold feet. The pregnancy ended in a blighted ovum miscarriage which means the fertilized egg implanted itself into my uterus but didn't develop into an embryo. Pretty much sperm meets egg, they bought a house together, and then bailed at the last moment and never moved in.

When I started seeing the "Baby Maker" in Beverly Hills he took me under his wing and made me his lab rat. Blood test after blood test, ultrasound after ultrasound, month after month. So many fun things done to me. They were taking so much blood from me my arms were beginning to look like that of a drug addict. Then the oh so lovely Hysterosalpingogram (HSG) Dye Test. Holy cramps! It was not a pleasant experience. I figured once in my life was enough but I just found out that I will need to do it again. Oh joy! Can't wait!

Blood tests are so nerve-racking when the doctor calls to discuss the results. My FSH was elevated...14. The doctor said that my high FSH (follical stimulating hormone) was most likely the reason for my miscarriage and trouble impregnating myself. I had never heard of FSH before but it sure did upset me! I cried and cried about my high FSH. Stupid hormones...they can really cause problems. Probably the reason for the painful pimple on my back right now. I wish I could send my hormones to boot camp and get them whipped back into shape.

My baby doctor suggested we start Clomid and try doing an IUI. I was so stressed out at the time and depressed about my situation that I wanted to get my head in the game before moving forward. I took about four months of trying to de-stress myself. I started acupuncture, went on a diet, and started taking Chinese herbs to help with infertility and depression. I finally felt mentally ready for someone else other than my husband to inject my husbands sperm into me.

I started Clomid. Warning to those who have never taken Clomid. Weight gain, hot flashes and just an overall crazy hormone induced mixture of rage and teary-eyed emotions is what you may experience. I was driving back and forth to the doctor from the moment my period started to the time they finally injected me with sperm. Each time I went it was almost three hours each way! Too bad they don't have mileage points that count towards infertility treatments. I would have racked up so many mileage points that it would probably pay for the IVF treatment that I now need to have done.

I received two IUI's on one cycle. One on Saturday and one on Sunday. They sandwiched my ovulation. Better chance that one would take.

Neither took. Two failed IUI's in one month! I was devastated. My doctor thought the next course of treatment would be a more aggressive medication. He thought I should start injectables and then try another IUI. I was so sad that I just needed a small break. My husband and I decided to take the next month off. I wanted a vacation from baby making. Somehow someway we became pregnant that month. We were shocked. The month we stop trying I conceive. I was a complete wreck my first trimester. Always worried that I was going to miscarry. I ended up having a wonderful pregnancy and gave birth to a beautiful healthy baby girl. We were so happy. It was a long hard journey to finally get our baby.

You're Not Pregnant...Now Get the Hell Out

Finally after almost two years of trying to conceive I got a "big fat positive"! I was so happy! It finally happened. I was going to have a baby!

I went to the doctor for my first prenatal visit at about 6 weeks. They had me pee on a stick and took a blood test to check my HCG level. It was official...I was pregnant. I told everybody! I wanted to scream it from the roof tops. At 7 weeks they wanted to test my HCG level again. No biggy. I figured this was normal protocol and that everything was perfect. They called me back a few days after my second HCG blood test. They said everything was fine, but they wanted me to come in for an ultrasound appointment to look at the baby because my HCG wasn't as high as they would like to see it. I immediately feared for the worst, but they once again assured me everything was fine and there was nothing to worry about. I had to wait a whole week for my ultrasound. It was the longest week of my life! I was sick with worry!

The day of my ultrasound was one of the worst days of my life. Unfortunately my husband had an important meeting and couldn't be there. It seemed like any other day for the ultrasound tech. She delivered my bad news and told me I could have the room to compose myself. I was going to miscarry! This miscarriage was called a blighted ovum which is when a fertilized egg implants itself into the uterus but doesn't develop into an embryo. I cried so hard! After about 5 minutes the woman came back in and told me that they needed the room for the next patient and I would need to leave. I walked through the waiting room full of expectant mothers, tears falling from my eyes. Once in my car I cried for over an hour in the parking lot. I was crying so hard that there was no way I could drive home. I felt so alone and like my world had just been destroyed. I didn't want to tell my husband the bad news. I felt like a complete failure. I had never heard of anyone having a miscarriage. Was I the only one?!? Was this a rare occurrence?!? What had I done wrong?!?

My doctor thought a D&C would be best, but I chose to wait and miscarry at home. In the back of my mind I thought it was all a mistake. There was no way I was going to let them scrape out my uterus...what if there just maybe was a baby in there. I ended up miscarrying at almost 10 weeks. It was very painful! Heavy bleeding and extremely painful cramps. The worst of it lasted for about 3 hours, but I went on to bleed for almost a full month! During this time while miscarrying I had my 29th birthday, was packing our apartment getting ready to move from Virginia to California, trying to buy a house that was 3,000 miles away, and saying goodbye to my business that I started myself. Needless to say it was a very stressful time!