Miscarriage #3

My life just keeps getting even more interesting...and not interesting in a good way. Since my last blog post a lot has happened. I saw the cardiologist...my heart is good. They think I was born with the right bundle branch block and it shouldn't give me any problems. As far as the dizziness goes he said that I have something called a vasovegal response. It is a common fainting condition that is not serious. Weird, but okay.

Right before I went to see the cardiologist I found out I was pregnant. I couldn't even believe it. How!?! It just seemed too easy. I probably took at least ten pregnancy tests over the period of a week. I was sure my eyes were playing tricks on me. My ob wanted to see me right away to confirm the pregnancy and see if everything looked okay. My first ultrasound was at 4 weeks. You can't see much then, but what he could see he thought things looked good. Although he was extremely worried about my heart and ordered another ekg, an echocardiogram, and a 24 hour halter monitor. I have been feeling a lot like a lab rat lately, but this day was the worst. I had 8 leads stuck all over my chest with wires coming out of them leading to a little computer that I had to wear around my waist that kept track of my hearts activity. I wore this for 24 hours. It actually wasn't too bad...not as annoying as I thought it would be. That day I felt like I had been sent through the ringer and back. Luckily all the tests came back good aside from the right bundle branch bock which was incomplete. My halter monitor showed that my heart sometimes palpitates. It does the same thing that someones heart might do after drinking three cups of coffee. Mine just does it on its own though without the coffee. Since my heart is healthy, now I just had to worry about being pregnant. I was nervous, but I was sure everything would be okay. I didn't think I could possibly have two miscarriages in a row.

My ob wanted to see me the following week when I was 5 1/2 weeks. During the ultrasound he says "where are you baby?" Staring at that ultrasound screen I had a flashback to my first miscarriage. It looked so much the same. An empty gestational sac with no baby. My doctor looked a little concerned but told me not to worry that it is early and the yolk sac is probably there and we are just having trouble seeing it. He wanted to see me the following week for another ultrasound. Then I would be almost 7 weeks. That week leading up to my ultrasound was difficult. I was scared but trying to be positive. I didn't want to think negatively about this pregnancy. I was happy thinking about being pregnant and giving birth to my new baby in November. I knew my daughter would be so excited having a little sister or brother to play with. When it was time for my ultrasound I was actually feeling pretty good. I think I did know in the back of my mind what the ultrasound would reveal, but I did't want to believe it. I was expecting to see a baby, I wanted to see a baby, but when we didn't I honestly wasn't surprised at all. It was another blighted ovum just like my first miscarriage. I was so sad, mad, disappointed and frustrated! I couldn't believe I was going to have another miscarriage. Three! Three! Why me? Why my family? Of course every time this happens I ask myself what I did wrong. Maybe I was so stressed about my something wrong with my heart that I caused this miscarriage, but what caused my other miscarriages. I'll never know.

I decided to get a D&C this time. My last two I miscarried naturally. Who knew how long I would carry the pregnancy and then how long I would miscarry for. With my first blighted ovum I didn't actually miscarry until almost 10 weeks and I bled for almost a month. I thought with a D&C I could move on sooner and hopefully get my period sooner. I had my D&C three days ago. I was 7 weeks.

I am so lucky to have my little girl. I am so grateful for her. She really is my little miracle baby. I hope I able to give her a brother or sister one day, but at this point I am not feeling good about it. I feel defeated and like I am losing all hope.