13 Weeks

We had my daughter Ruby's 2nd birthday party at the park this weekend. She had so much fun! I can't believe she is growing up so fast. She is so smart, pretty and the sweetest little girl you will ever meet. I love her so much!

It was a perfect day except a little hard for me at times. While I am so happy and feel so lucky to have my beautiful daughter I still really want another child. I really want to give her a little brother or sister. I had sisters and can't imagine not having them in my lives. They are my best friends.

I tried to not think about having another baby that day and focus all my attention and thoughts on Ruby, but it was almost impossible. I invited five other families all of which have two year old kids and brand new babies or are pregnant with the second. I remember before I was pregnant with Ruby it seemed like everyone was getting pregnant except me. I resented those women and was jealous. Why was it so much easier for everyone else and seemed almost impossible for me? I didn't think I would ever feel the sadness and jealousy of seeing other woman pregnant or with new babies again. I was wrong. I am experiencing all those same feelings and thoughts all over again. I hate being that person who is jealous of someone else's joy and happiness.

I congratulated one of the woman who was pregnant. She is so nice and doesn't deserve my negative jealous thoughts. She talked about how they weren't telling anybody until they were in the clear and are now starting to tell people. When she told me she was 13 weeks I had to fight back the tears. She was so happy talking about her pregnancy. I didn't want to ruin it by bursting into tears. The reason it affected me so much was because she was 13 weeks and felt she was in the clear of anything bad happening. She was noticeably pregnant. Just starting to show with the cutest little belly. I had my last miscarriage at 13 weeks and I looked pregnant too. My baby looked healthy and had a nice strong heartbeat just two weeks before. I thought I was in the clear too. Then I just suddenly lost the baby for some unknown reason. What am I to do though? People don't want to hear about the baby you lost. They want to hear about the baby you are pregnant with. It is a dark secret that I think about everyday yet I have to pretend like I am over it and put a smile on my face.