Miscarriage #3

My life just keeps getting even more interesting...and not interesting in a good way. Since my last blog post a lot has happened. I saw the cardiologist...my heart is good. They think I was born with the right bundle branch block and it shouldn't give me any problems. As far as the dizziness goes he said that I have something called a vasovegal response. It is a common fainting condition that is not serious. Weird, but okay.

Right before I went to see the cardiologist I found out I was pregnant. I couldn't even believe it. How!?! It just seemed too easy. I probably took at least ten pregnancy tests over the period of a week. I was sure my eyes were playing tricks on me. My ob wanted to see me right away to confirm the pregnancy and see if everything looked okay. My first ultrasound was at 4 weeks. You can't see much then, but what he could see he thought things looked good. Although he was extremely worried about my heart and ordered another ekg, an echocardiogram, and a 24 hour halter monitor. I have been feeling a lot like a lab rat lately, but this day was the worst. I had 8 leads stuck all over my chest with wires coming out of them leading to a little computer that I had to wear around my waist that kept track of my hearts activity. I wore this for 24 hours. It actually wasn't too bad...not as annoying as I thought it would be. That day I felt like I had been sent through the ringer and back. Luckily all the tests came back good aside from the right bundle branch bock which was incomplete. My halter monitor showed that my heart sometimes palpitates. It does the same thing that someones heart might do after drinking three cups of coffee. Mine just does it on its own though without the coffee. Since my heart is healthy, now I just had to worry about being pregnant. I was nervous, but I was sure everything would be okay. I didn't think I could possibly have two miscarriages in a row.

My ob wanted to see me the following week when I was 5 1/2 weeks. During the ultrasound he says "where are you baby?" Staring at that ultrasound screen I had a flashback to my first miscarriage. It looked so much the same. An empty gestational sac with no baby. My doctor looked a little concerned but told me not to worry that it is early and the yolk sac is probably there and we are just having trouble seeing it. He wanted to see me the following week for another ultrasound. Then I would be almost 7 weeks. That week leading up to my ultrasound was difficult. I was scared but trying to be positive. I didn't want to think negatively about this pregnancy. I was happy thinking about being pregnant and giving birth to my new baby in November. I knew my daughter would be so excited having a little sister or brother to play with. When it was time for my ultrasound I was actually feeling pretty good. I think I did know in the back of my mind what the ultrasound would reveal, but I did't want to believe it. I was expecting to see a baby, I wanted to see a baby, but when we didn't I honestly wasn't surprised at all. It was another blighted ovum just like my first miscarriage. I was so sad, mad, disappointed and frustrated! I couldn't believe I was going to have another miscarriage. Three! Three! Why me? Why my family? Of course every time this happens I ask myself what I did wrong. Maybe I was so stressed about my something wrong with my heart that I caused this miscarriage, but what caused my other miscarriages. I'll never know.

I decided to get a D&C this time. My last two I miscarried naturally. Who knew how long I would carry the pregnancy and then how long I would miscarry for. With my first blighted ovum I didn't actually miscarry until almost 10 weeks and I bled for almost a month. I thought with a D&C I could move on sooner and hopefully get my period sooner. I had my D&C three days ago. I was 7 weeks.

I am so lucky to have my little girl. I am so grateful for her. She really is my little miracle baby. I hope I able to give her a brother or sister one day, but at this point I am not feeling good about it. I feel defeated and like I am losing all hope.

Right Bundle Branch Block

I am feeling defeated! I need to figure out a way to handle my stress in a healthy way. Maybe I need a punching bag in my garage.

I have had a lot going on with me lately it seems. I feel I have reached my limit. I don't know if I can take much more. I feel like I was down and someone came along and kicked me and then someone else came and kicked me again and again and again.

Aside from my miscarriage that I had in September I have also found out that I have pretty much no eggs left. My chances of conceiving another baby are slim to none. I am 33, but my doctor has put my reproductive age at 42. 42! My FSH is 14 and my AMH is .18. For those of you who are familiar with those numbers know that those are not good, especially my AMH. Two doctors have told me that IVF is probably our only option but chance of miscarriage is very high and a third doctor believes egg donation is about our only option.

If this wasn't enough for me to deal with I now have to go see a cardiologist. The other week I woke up and walked into the bathroom where I almost collapsed. I was so dizzy I couldn't even stand. I sat on the toilet and almost then feel off the toilet. I also felt nauseous and was extremely hot. I laid on the bathroom floor until I felt stable enough to walk to my bed. Once in bed my husband took my blood pressure and heart rate. My heart rate was 40 beats per minute! I have also been having frequent heart palpitations where I feel like I have to catch my breath. The heart palpitations is not a new thing for me. I have been having them on and off since I was a kid. They use to happen occasionally but lately seem to be happening daily, sometimes several times a day. After the dizzy spell I decided to go see the doctor. I was thinking the she was going to tell me that the dizziness was vertigo from an inner ear infection and that the more frequent heart palpitations was from stress. I had an EKG done which came back abnormal. My heart rate was very slow and I had a right bundle branch block. My doctor referred me to see a cardiologist. I am still awaiting my appointment. I feel scared, worried, and sick with fear.

A right bundle branch block is a defect in the heart's electrical conduction system. It is a condition in which there is a delay or obstruction along the pathway that electrical impulses travel to make your heart beat. Bundle branch block sometimes makes it harder for your heart to pump blood efficiently through your circulatory system. There is no specific treatment for bundle branch block itself. However any underlying condition will need to be treated. Bundle branch block is often, usually, caused by heart or lung disease. Although in some cases a completely healthy person can develop bundle branch block. Sometimes, bundle branch block is associated with other problems in the heart's electrical system that can lead to dangerously slow heartbeats that need treatment with a pacemaker. Signs and symptoms can be fainting, dizziness, and having a slow heart rate. (http://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/bundle-branch-block/basics/definition/con-20027273)

I have a two week wait until I see a cardiologist. I am trying to figure out how not to worry and stress about it. It very well may be benign...just the way I am made up, but there is also a possibility that something worse could be wrong. This is never something I would have ever thought I would have to worry about in my thirties. I feel so mad! Why me?!? I feel like my body is falling apart.

What Not To Say To Someone Who Has Had A Miscarriage

I use to always think that once you were pregnant you stayed pregnant. Losing a baby during pregnancy was something that happened in the olden days when women gave birth in their farmhouse on the prairie, not a modern day occurrence. I have had two miscarriages now. I am here to tell you...it happens. It happens more than you would think. I can guarantee you that there is at least one women you know that has miscarried a baby. It may be a relative, a friend, a person you work with or the lady bagging your groceries. These women have gone through a traumatic life changing event...and they don't speak of it. Is it shame, the insensitive responses one receives from friends, relatives, and coworkers, or is it society minimizing the emotional and physiological impact it has on a woman. In my experience it is all of the above. 

Do I feel shame? A little. I understand miscarriages happen and there was nothing I could have done to stop it, but a small part of me still blames myself. I know I shouldn't, but it is so hard not to. I think maybe if I hadn't had that glass of wine before I found out I was pregnant, or if only I hadn't worked myself so hard that one day, or maybe it was because I was breathing in paint fumes while I was painting the babies room, or was it because I ate sushi?

Anyone who has had a miscarriage knows too well the insensitive and hurtful remarks friends, family, and coworkers can say. 

      "It was for the best. Something was probably wrong with the baby."
      "In a week you will feel better."
      "Try not to worry. You can always get pregnant again and have another baby."
      "Be grateful of the child that you already have."
      "At least you weren't that far along."
      "At least you CAN get pregnant."
      "This won't affect your work will it?"

I think worse than these remarks is when someone just completely ignores your miscarriage all together. I am sure it is because they just don't know what to say and they don't want to hurt you by saying the wrong thing, but not saying or doing anything at all is almost more hurtful than saying the wrong thing. If you don't know what to say show you care by doing something like sending flowers or a card.

Society plays a huge part in how we feel about miscarriages. They have been so downplayed that those suffering don't feel they are allowed to show grief and mourn their unborn baby. Most woman and their partners suffer silently through the pain of a miscarriage. They don't feel they have the support of friends and family.

Studies show that 10-25% of pregnancies end in miscarriage. Most miscarriages happen before 13 weeks. So if it is so common why are they such an unspoken topic? Because people don't want to hear about the death of a baby. It is not a pleasant thing to talk or think about. Also lots of people don't understand how real the baby inside your womb actually was, even early on. I had my last miscarriage at 13 weeks. The baby was tiny, but looked just like a baby. It was about three inches long...had eyes, a mouth and a nose. It had arms and legs and tiny little fingers and toes. The baby even had its genitalia. It was a baby girl. Technically she was still considered a fetus and we were suppose to just dispose of her with the hospitals medical waste, but to me she was my baby girl. I had her at home and my husband and I had a little funeral for her (just the two of us and our one year old daughter). As painful as it was miscarrying her in my bathroom and then holding her tiny frail body in my hands, I would have not wanted it any differently. If I had gotten a D&C I would have never gotten to hold her and see how real she actually was. I wouldn't have gotten to say goodbye to her. She would have been incinerated with all the other medical hospital waste and tossed out like a piece of trash. 

So to anyone out there who has had a miscarriage. Your pain, sorrow and suffering is real. Take as long as you need and get the support you deserve. To those of you who have been lucky enough to have never dealt with a miscarriage, it is very real and it is traumatic. I would never wish it on my worst enemy.

13 Weeks

We had my daughter Ruby's 2nd birthday party at the park this weekend. She had so much fun! I can't believe she is growing up so fast. She is so smart, pretty and the sweetest little girl you will ever meet. I love her so much!

It was a perfect day except a little hard for me at times. While I am so happy and feel so lucky to have my beautiful daughter I still really want another child. I really want to give her a little brother or sister. I had sisters and can't imagine not having them in my lives. They are my best friends.

I tried to not think about having another baby that day and focus all my attention and thoughts on Ruby, but it was almost impossible. I invited five other families all of which have two year old kids and brand new babies or are pregnant with the second. I remember before I was pregnant with Ruby it seemed like everyone was getting pregnant except me. I resented those women and was jealous. Why was it so much easier for everyone else and seemed almost impossible for me? I didn't think I would ever feel the sadness and jealousy of seeing other woman pregnant or with new babies again. I was wrong. I am experiencing all those same feelings and thoughts all over again. I hate being that person who is jealous of someone else's joy and happiness.

I congratulated one of the woman who was pregnant. She is so nice and doesn't deserve my negative jealous thoughts. She talked about how they weren't telling anybody until they were in the clear and are now starting to tell people. When she told me she was 13 weeks I had to fight back the tears. She was so happy talking about her pregnancy. I didn't want to ruin it by bursting into tears. The reason it affected me so much was because she was 13 weeks and felt she was in the clear of anything bad happening. She was noticeably pregnant. Just starting to show with the cutest little belly. I had my last miscarriage at 13 weeks and I looked pregnant too. My baby looked healthy and had a nice strong heartbeat just two weeks before. I thought I was in the clear too. Then I just suddenly lost the baby for some unknown reason. What am I to do though? People don't want to hear about the baby you lost. They want to hear about the baby you are pregnant with. It is a dark secret that I think about everyday yet I have to pretend like I am over it and put a smile on my face. 

Goodbye Eggs. You Lived A Good Life.

FUCKITY FUCKING FUCK FUCK FUCKER!
Please excuse my language but I fucking got my period this morning. I don't know why I am so surprised. You would think I would be use to this by now. I shouldn't even be writing right now either. I have so much to do today. Tomorrow is my daughters birthday. She will be two. I have lots to do to prepare for her party. I need to be making strawberry cupcakes not writing about my fucking period. I thought if I do a quick vent I can get back to what is most important...making the perfect strawberry cupcake. 

I know getting pregnant for me is not easy, but I just felt so hopeful this month. We really tried hard. I was so convinced I was pregnant that I have already taken two pregnancy tests...yesterday and the day before. Even after seeing the negatives I still thought I might be pregnant. Maybe I was just testing too early I thought. Not the case. Aunt Flow decided to make a visit again this month. 

This is the really hard part about infertility. You don't just mourn one loss and then get over it. You mourn a loss every month when you get your period. You mourn what the future may not hold. For me every month feels like a huge loss. I don't have time on my side. Sure I am only 33 but I have the eggs of a 42 year old. I don't have time to waste. I may only have a year left to conceive or I may have several. The unknown is what is so upsetting. Every month I get my period that is just one month closer to my expiration date.

Some people may think my wording may sound a bit extreme. You may be thinking that I am talking like I am dying...expiration date...I don't have time on my side...mourn a loss monthly. I am healthy and plan to live a long life, but my eggs on the other hand are not. They are dying off quickly and much sooner than most. I am fighting for my second child's life. I just need one good egg. Is that to much to ask for?

Clomid, IUI, Acupuncture...I tried it all

I want to write about my current situation right now but I feel I should catch you up on what all has gone on with me in the world of my uterus and its two useless sidekicks (that being my ovaries). So the last I told you about is when I started seeing a reproductive specialist in Beverly Hills, CA. I had 36 months (that's three years for us math challenged people) of unsuccessful sperm meets egg encounters. One lucky month a sperm did court of one my eggs which resulted in a pregnancy. Who knows if the sperm was a jerk or maybe my egg got cold feet. The pregnancy ended in a blighted ovum miscarriage which means the fertilized egg implanted itself into my uterus but didn't develop into an embryo. Pretty much sperm meets egg, they bought a house together, and then bailed at the last moment and never moved in.

When I started seeing the "Baby Maker" in Beverly Hills he took me under his wing and made me his lab rat. Blood test after blood test, ultrasound after ultrasound, month after month. So many fun things done to me. They were taking so much blood from me my arms were beginning to look like that of a drug addict. Then the oh so lovely Hysterosalpingogram (HSG) Dye Test. Holy cramps! It was not a pleasant experience. I figured once in my life was enough but I just found out that I will need to do it again. Oh joy! Can't wait!

Blood tests are so nerve-racking when the doctor calls to discuss the results. My FSH was elevated...14. The doctor said that my high FSH (follical stimulating hormone) was most likely the reason for my miscarriage and trouble impregnating myself. I had never heard of FSH before but it sure did upset me! I cried and cried about my high FSH. Stupid hormones...they can really cause problems. Probably the reason for the painful pimple on my back right now. I wish I could send my hormones to boot camp and get them whipped back into shape.

My baby doctor suggested we start Clomid and try doing an IUI. I was so stressed out at the time and depressed about my situation that I wanted to get my head in the game before moving forward. I took about four months of trying to de-stress myself. I started acupuncture, went on a diet, and started taking Chinese herbs to help with infertility and depression. I finally felt mentally ready for someone else other than my husband to inject my husbands sperm into me.

I started Clomid. Warning to those who have never taken Clomid. Weight gain, hot flashes and just an overall crazy hormone induced mixture of rage and teary-eyed emotions is what you may experience. I was driving back and forth to the doctor from the moment my period started to the time they finally injected me with sperm. Each time I went it was almost three hours each way! Too bad they don't have mileage points that count towards infertility treatments. I would have racked up so many mileage points that it would probably pay for the IVF treatment that I now need to have done.

I received two IUI's on one cycle. One on Saturday and one on Sunday. They sandwiched my ovulation. Better chance that one would take.

Neither took. Two failed IUI's in one month! I was devastated. My doctor thought the next course of treatment would be a more aggressive medication. He thought I should start injectables and then try another IUI. I was so sad that I just needed a small break. My husband and I decided to take the next month off. I wanted a vacation from baby making. Somehow someway we became pregnant that month. We were shocked. The month we stop trying I conceive. I was a complete wreck my first trimester. Always worried that I was going to miscarry. I ended up having a wonderful pregnancy and gave birth to a beautiful healthy baby girl. We were so happy. It was a long hard journey to finally get our baby.