What Not To Say To Someone Who Has Had A Miscarriage

I use to always think that once you were pregnant you stayed pregnant. Losing a baby during pregnancy was something that happened in the olden days when women gave birth in their farmhouse on the prairie, not a modern day occurrence. I have had two miscarriages now. I am here to tell you...it happens. It happens more than you would think. I can guarantee you that there is at least one women you know that has miscarried a baby. It may be a relative, a friend, a person you work with or the lady bagging your groceries. These women have gone through a traumatic life changing event...and they don't speak of it. Is it shame, the insensitive responses one receives from friends, relatives, and coworkers, or is it society minimizing the emotional and physiological impact it has on a woman. In my experience it is all of the above. 

Do I feel shame? A little. I understand miscarriages happen and there was nothing I could have done to stop it, but a small part of me still blames myself. I know I shouldn't, but it is so hard not to. I think maybe if I hadn't had that glass of wine before I found out I was pregnant, or if only I hadn't worked myself so hard that one day, or maybe it was because I was breathing in paint fumes while I was painting the babies room, or was it because I ate sushi?

Anyone who has had a miscarriage knows too well the insensitive and hurtful remarks friends, family, and coworkers can say. 

      "It was for the best. Something was probably wrong with the baby."
      "In a week you will feel better."
      "Try not to worry. You can always get pregnant again and have another baby."
      "Be grateful of the child that you already have."
      "At least you weren't that far along."
      "At least you CAN get pregnant."
      "This won't affect your work will it?"

I think worse than these remarks is when someone just completely ignores your miscarriage all together. I am sure it is because they just don't know what to say and they don't want to hurt you by saying the wrong thing, but not saying or doing anything at all is almost more hurtful than saying the wrong thing. If you don't know what to say show you care by doing something like sending flowers or a card.

Society plays a huge part in how we feel about miscarriages. They have been so downplayed that those suffering don't feel they are allowed to show grief and mourn their unborn baby. Most woman and their partners suffer silently through the pain of a miscarriage. They don't feel they have the support of friends and family.

Studies show that 10-25% of pregnancies end in miscarriage. Most miscarriages happen before 13 weeks. So if it is so common why are they such an unspoken topic? Because people don't want to hear about the death of a baby. It is not a pleasant thing to talk or think about. Also lots of people don't understand how real the baby inside your womb actually was, even early on. I had my last miscarriage at 13 weeks. The baby was tiny, but looked just like a baby. It was about three inches long...had eyes, a mouth and a nose. It had arms and legs and tiny little fingers and toes. The baby even had its genitalia. It was a baby girl. Technically she was still considered a fetus and we were suppose to just dispose of her with the hospitals medical waste, but to me she was my baby girl. I had her at home and my husband and I had a little funeral for her (just the two of us and our one year old daughter). As painful as it was miscarrying her in my bathroom and then holding her tiny frail body in my hands, I would have not wanted it any differently. If I had gotten a D&C I would have never gotten to hold her and see how real she actually was. I wouldn't have gotten to say goodbye to her. She would have been incinerated with all the other medical hospital waste and tossed out like a piece of trash. 

So to anyone out there who has had a miscarriage. Your pain, sorrow and suffering is real. Take as long as you need and get the support you deserve. To those of you who have been lucky enough to have never dealt with a miscarriage, it is very real and it is traumatic. I would never wish it on my worst enemy.

13 Weeks

We had my daughter Ruby's 2nd birthday party at the park this weekend. She had so much fun! I can't believe she is growing up so fast. She is so smart, pretty and the sweetest little girl you will ever meet. I love her so much!

It was a perfect day except a little hard for me at times. While I am so happy and feel so lucky to have my beautiful daughter I still really want another child. I really want to give her a little brother or sister. I had sisters and can't imagine not having them in my lives. They are my best friends.

I tried to not think about having another baby that day and focus all my attention and thoughts on Ruby, but it was almost impossible. I invited five other families all of which have two year old kids and brand new babies or are pregnant with the second. I remember before I was pregnant with Ruby it seemed like everyone was getting pregnant except me. I resented those women and was jealous. Why was it so much easier for everyone else and seemed almost impossible for me? I didn't think I would ever feel the sadness and jealousy of seeing other woman pregnant or with new babies again. I was wrong. I am experiencing all those same feelings and thoughts all over again. I hate being that person who is jealous of someone else's joy and happiness.

I congratulated one of the woman who was pregnant. She is so nice and doesn't deserve my negative jealous thoughts. She talked about how they weren't telling anybody until they were in the clear and are now starting to tell people. When she told me she was 13 weeks I had to fight back the tears. She was so happy talking about her pregnancy. I didn't want to ruin it by bursting into tears. The reason it affected me so much was because she was 13 weeks and felt she was in the clear of anything bad happening. She was noticeably pregnant. Just starting to show with the cutest little belly. I had my last miscarriage at 13 weeks and I looked pregnant too. My baby looked healthy and had a nice strong heartbeat just two weeks before. I thought I was in the clear too. Then I just suddenly lost the baby for some unknown reason. What am I to do though? People don't want to hear about the baby you lost. They want to hear about the baby you are pregnant with. It is a dark secret that I think about everyday yet I have to pretend like I am over it and put a smile on my face. 

Goodbye Eggs. You Lived A Good Life.

FUCKITY FUCKING FUCK FUCK FUCKER!
Please excuse my language but I fucking got my period this morning. I don't know why I am so surprised. You would think I would be use to this by now. I shouldn't even be writing right now either. I have so much to do today. Tomorrow is my daughters birthday. She will be two. I have lots to do to prepare for her party. I need to be making strawberry cupcakes not writing about my fucking period. I thought if I do a quick vent I can get back to what is most important...making the perfect strawberry cupcake. 

I know getting pregnant for me is not easy, but I just felt so hopeful this month. We really tried hard. I was so convinced I was pregnant that I have already taken two pregnancy tests...yesterday and the day before. Even after seeing the negatives I still thought I might be pregnant. Maybe I was just testing too early I thought. Not the case. Aunt Flow decided to make a visit again this month. 

This is the really hard part about infertility. You don't just mourn one loss and then get over it. You mourn a loss every month when you get your period. You mourn what the future may not hold. For me every month feels like a huge loss. I don't have time on my side. Sure I am only 33 but I have the eggs of a 42 year old. I don't have time to waste. I may only have a year left to conceive or I may have several. The unknown is what is so upsetting. Every month I get my period that is just one month closer to my expiration date.

Some people may think my wording may sound a bit extreme. You may be thinking that I am talking like I am dying...expiration date...I don't have time on my side...mourn a loss monthly. I am healthy and plan to live a long life, but my eggs on the other hand are not. They are dying off quickly and much sooner than most. I am fighting for my second child's life. I just need one good egg. Is that to much to ask for?

Clomid, IUI, Acupuncture...I tried it all

I want to write about my current situation right now but I feel I should catch you up on what all has gone on with me in the world of my uterus and its two useless sidekicks (that being my ovaries). So the last I told you about is when I started seeing a reproductive specialist in Beverly Hills, CA. I had 36 months (that's three years for us math challenged people) of unsuccessful sperm meets egg encounters. One lucky month a sperm did court of one my eggs which resulted in a pregnancy. Who knows if the sperm was a jerk or maybe my egg got cold feet. The pregnancy ended in a blighted ovum miscarriage which means the fertilized egg implanted itself into my uterus but didn't develop into an embryo. Pretty much sperm meets egg, they bought a house together, and then bailed at the last moment and never moved in.

When I started seeing the "Baby Maker" in Beverly Hills he took me under his wing and made me his lab rat. Blood test after blood test, ultrasound after ultrasound, month after month. So many fun things done to me. They were taking so much blood from me my arms were beginning to look like that of a drug addict. Then the oh so lovely Hysterosalpingogram (HSG) Dye Test. Holy cramps! It was not a pleasant experience. I figured once in my life was enough but I just found out that I will need to do it again. Oh joy! Can't wait!

Blood tests are so nerve-racking when the doctor calls to discuss the results. My FSH was elevated...14. The doctor said that my high FSH (follical stimulating hormone) was most likely the reason for my miscarriage and trouble impregnating myself. I had never heard of FSH before but it sure did upset me! I cried and cried about my high FSH. Stupid hormones...they can really cause problems. Probably the reason for the painful pimple on my back right now. I wish I could send my hormones to boot camp and get them whipped back into shape.

My baby doctor suggested we start Clomid and try doing an IUI. I was so stressed out at the time and depressed about my situation that I wanted to get my head in the game before moving forward. I took about four months of trying to de-stress myself. I started acupuncture, went on a diet, and started taking Chinese herbs to help with infertility and depression. I finally felt mentally ready for someone else other than my husband to inject my husbands sperm into me.

I started Clomid. Warning to those who have never taken Clomid. Weight gain, hot flashes and just an overall crazy hormone induced mixture of rage and teary-eyed emotions is what you may experience. I was driving back and forth to the doctor from the moment my period started to the time they finally injected me with sperm. Each time I went it was almost three hours each way! Too bad they don't have mileage points that count towards infertility treatments. I would have racked up so many mileage points that it would probably pay for the IVF treatment that I now need to have done.

I received two IUI's on one cycle. One on Saturday and one on Sunday. They sandwiched my ovulation. Better chance that one would take.

Neither took. Two failed IUI's in one month! I was devastated. My doctor thought the next course of treatment would be a more aggressive medication. He thought I should start injectables and then try another IUI. I was so sad that I just needed a small break. My husband and I decided to take the next month off. I wanted a vacation from baby making. Somehow someway we became pregnant that month. We were shocked. The month we stop trying I conceive. I was a complete wreck my first trimester. Always worried that I was going to miscarry. I ended up having a wonderful pregnancy and gave birth to a beautiful healthy baby girl. We were so happy. It was a long hard journey to finally get our baby.

Prize for Crappiest Friend Ever Goes To................

I can't decide for whom I am writing this blog for. For myself as an outlet and a place to vent, or maybe for my daughter and possibly my future children to read one day, or maybe for other women and couples who are going through or have gone through infertility, miscarriages and pregnancy. So on that note, today I am writing for myself. I need to vent!

Anybody who has ever dealt with something difficult in their life knows how important it is to have the support of friends and family. Often in hard times you find out who your true friends are. I am definitely finding that out. So here it goes....I have a friend...lets call her Rose. I really like her and I thought she liked me. Our husbands are best friends and I thought we were growing very close as well. She is fun, nice, smart, down to earth, level headed, pretty, funny, and I thought a good friend. She was someone I could picture as a friend. I dealt with infertility for a few years before I had my daughter. During that time I had a miscarriage. I was devastated. She was one person that I talked to about how sad I was. She saw me cry often and was always very supportive. Then I got pregnant again and she kind of disappeared for awhile. Then towards the end of my pregnancy she offered to throw me a baby shower. She tried a couple of times but the party never happened. It probably never happened because the people she was inviting to the party were her friends...not mine. I knew them through her but they were not the people I would have invited to my baby shower. Weird I know! Plus the two times she tried to give me a party she invited people one day before the party. That's right...I said ONE day. Of course no one came.

Once I had my baby things were great! She was always checking in to see how I was doing. Made my baby headbands and booties. We often went to lunch together. And then she got pregnant. I was so excited! I thought this would make us even better friends. Our daughters would be close in age. I envisioned play-dates, dinners and lunches together, maybe even all of us taking a vacation together. During her pregnancy I really wanted to be there for her...not like how she was for me. I threw her a bachelorette party (she and her boyfriend decided to get married since they were pregnant), a baby shower, let her borrow all my maternity clothes, and once her baby was born let her borrow tons of baby stuff.

A couple months after she had her baby I found out I was pregnant. That was the point when things started to change. When my belly started showing I sent her a text asking for my maternity clothes back. She responded back that she wasn't wearing them anymore and she would get them back to me sometime. Almost a month later I miscarried. I no longer needed the clothes, but I was still annoyed that she never returned them to me. I was kind enough to lend them to her but returning the clothes to me when I needed them seemed to be the last thing on her mind. When I miscarried she was not there for me at all. I did get a text from her that said "I heard the bad news. So sorry." That was it! I was upset that she didn't check in to see how I was doing so I decided to send her an email. I opened up to her about my miscarriage. Told her intimate details that you would only tell a friend. Let her know how I was doing. She never responded to my email. A few months after I saw her and she mentioned that she did get my email and forgot to respond. Pretty crappy friend right!?! I saw her another time and she barely acknowledged me. She acted like we barely knew each other. I was very upset about it. Did she not like me anymore? Why? I couldn't think of a single reason why. There wasn't a reason. Upset and wanting to resolve things I sent her an email. Two weeks passed and no response. So I sent a text asking if she got my email. She claimed she didn't so I sent it again. She responded back but what she said I can't stop thinking about. It has been months and her words are still haunting me.

She told me that she was not mad at me and that if something was wrong she thinks that is probably because I am so upset about my miscarriage that I can't enjoy anything. WHAT!?! How would she know how I feel or am doing about my miscarriage. She never even cared to ask me. And yes, of course I am extremely sad about it, but my life goes on. Most people that didn't know what happened would probably have no idea that I am and was dealing with something upsetting in my life. I can be sad and depressed about loosing my baby, but that doesn't mean that I still can't enjoy myself at a dinner out with friends. Despite my miscarriage I am still a fun person to be around.

I almost forgot to vent about one more remark she said. When I offered her my maternity clothes to borrow she accepted them graciously. Then about a week later she texted me and said that she tried on the maternity clothes and that they were huge and there was no way she would get that big. So she returned them to me. Of course they were huge on her at the time, she was only two months pregnant. I was of course was a little insulted. We wear the same size pre-pregnancy and I didn't think I was that big when I was pregnant but whatever. Maybe she would end up as one of those super skinny pregnant ladies. I refer to those women as having "pregrexia". The funny part to this story is that about two months later she asked for the clothes back. She had grown out of the tiny maternity sizes she had bought and needed my "huge" pregnant clothes. To add just a little bit more humor to the subject...she eventually outgrew my maternity clothes. What she returned to me in the beginning saying that she would never be that huge, she became to huge herself to wear. Now if that is not Karma I don't know what is.

Oh my gosh I almost forgot about one more crazy rude thing Rose did. When I gave her the news that I was pregnant again she told me that I needed to give her the new breast pump that I can get for free through the new Obama care and that she needed me to order it right away. I already had one breast pump that I borrowed from my sister that I was using with my one year old daughter so I wasn't really planning to get the new breast pump. And if I did I wasn't going to give it to Rose...I would give my current pump back to my sister and keep the new Obama care one for myself. Rose was going back to work and wanted a second pump that she could keep at work so she didn't have to bring it back and forth between work and home. It really annoyed me that she felt so entitled to my breast pump. She wanted me to sign up for my free pump instantly so she could have one and until I got the new one she would need to use the one I currently had. WHAT!?! How rude right? I kindly told her that I wasn't sure if I would be signing up to get the free pump and that I still needed my pump since I was still nursing. I would let her know what I was planning on doing with the pumps if I ended up getting the free Obama pump. Then she responded back that she would send her son over to pick up my breast pump tomorrow. I was dumbfounded. Did she not hear anything I just told her. So again I told that NO she could NOT have my pump. I was still nursing and needed it. Then I suggested that she buy a second one. After all between her and her husband they probably earn about $200,000 a year. I think she can afford a pump.

To this day I still don't know what is going on with our friendship. I am still hoping to have a friendship (not sure why), but at this point I think it is up to her.

Sprinkles Cupcakes = Heaven In My Mouth

About a year after my first miscarriage and still not pregnant I started going to Southern California Reproductive Center where I was being seen by reproductive specialist Dr. Shahin Ghadir. For the first time I felt like a doctor was going to actually acknowledge I had a problem getting pregnant and try and help me. The doctors, nurses and staff were so compassionate, understanding, and treat you like you are their only patient. They are located in Beverly Hills, CA which isn't a bad place to have to go to a doctors appointment. It would take me almost three hours to drive from my house to the doctors office so you bet I was going to try and enjoy a little quality time in Beverly Hills. Nothing takes your mind off a Hysteropingogram (dye test) than a mouth-watering Sprinkles Cupcake and a stroll down Rodeo Drive.

Speaking of Sprinkles Cupcakes...if you have never had one you are missing out. They are to die for!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Eating a Sprinkles Cupcake should be on everyone's bucket list. You may be saying to yourself, "No thanks....I don't like cupcakes." Well I don't like them either, but this is not a cupcake. It is heaven. Also if you don't like frosting you can get cupcakes without frosting. I love that since I am not a huge fan of frosting. Although as frosting goes theirs is pretty awesome. Their cupcakes vary day to day. So they may not always have the same ones. They do seasonal cupcakes also. In the fall I had an awesome Pumpkin cupcake. One of my favorites that they seem to almost always have is the Cinnamon cupcake without frosting. The carrot cake, chocolate and red velvet are delicious too.