Prize for Crappiest Friend Ever Goes To................

I can't decide for whom I am writing this blog for. For myself as an outlet and a place to vent, or maybe for my daughter and possibly my future children to read one day, or maybe for other women and couples who are going through or have gone through infertility, miscarriages and pregnancy. So on that note, today I am writing for myself. I need to vent!

Anybody who has ever dealt with something difficult in their life knows how important it is to have the support of friends and family. Often in hard times you find out who your true friends are. I am definitely finding that out. So here it goes....I have a friend...lets call her Rose. I really like her and I thought she liked me. Our husbands are best friends and I thought we were growing very close as well. She is fun, nice, smart, down to earth, level headed, pretty, funny, and I thought a good friend. She was someone I could picture as a friend. I dealt with infertility for a few years before I had my daughter. During that time I had a miscarriage. I was devastated. She was one person that I talked to about how sad I was. She saw me cry often and was always very supportive. Then I got pregnant again and she kind of disappeared for awhile. Then towards the end of my pregnancy she offered to throw me a baby shower. She tried a couple of times but the party never happened. It probably never happened because the people she was inviting to the party were her friends...not mine. I knew them through her but they were not the people I would have invited to my baby shower. Weird I know! Plus the two times she tried to give me a party she invited people one day before the party. That's right...I said ONE day. Of course no one came.

Once I had my baby things were great! She was always checking in to see how I was doing. Made my baby headbands and booties. We often went to lunch together. And then she got pregnant. I was so excited! I thought this would make us even better friends. Our daughters would be close in age. I envisioned play-dates, dinners and lunches together, maybe even all of us taking a vacation together. During her pregnancy I really wanted to be there for her...not like how she was for me. I threw her a bachelorette party (she and her boyfriend decided to get married since they were pregnant), a baby shower, let her borrow all my maternity clothes, and once her baby was born let her borrow tons of baby stuff.

A couple months after she had her baby I found out I was pregnant. That was the point when things started to change. When my belly started showing I sent her a text asking for my maternity clothes back. She responded back that she wasn't wearing them anymore and she would get them back to me sometime. Almost a month later I miscarried. I no longer needed the clothes, but I was still annoyed that she never returned them to me. I was kind enough to lend them to her but returning the clothes to me when I needed them seemed to be the last thing on her mind. When I miscarried she was not there for me at all. I did get a text from her that said "I heard the bad news. So sorry." That was it! I was upset that she didn't check in to see how I was doing so I decided to send her an email. I opened up to her about my miscarriage. Told her intimate details that you would only tell a friend. Let her know how I was doing. She never responded to my email. A few months after I saw her and she mentioned that she did get my email and forgot to respond. Pretty crappy friend right!?! I saw her another time and she barely acknowledged me. She acted like we barely knew each other. I was very upset about it. Did she not like me anymore? Why? I couldn't think of a single reason why. There wasn't a reason. Upset and wanting to resolve things I sent her an email. Two weeks passed and no response. So I sent a text asking if she got my email. She claimed she didn't so I sent it again. She responded back but what she said I can't stop thinking about. It has been months and her words are still haunting me.

She told me that she was not mad at me and that if something was wrong she thinks that is probably because I am so upset about my miscarriage that I can't enjoy anything. WHAT!?! How would she know how I feel or am doing about my miscarriage. She never even cared to ask me. And yes, of course I am extremely sad about it, but my life goes on. Most people that didn't know what happened would probably have no idea that I am and was dealing with something upsetting in my life. I can be sad and depressed about loosing my baby, but that doesn't mean that I still can't enjoy myself at a dinner out with friends. Despite my miscarriage I am still a fun person to be around.

I almost forgot to vent about one more remark she said. When I offered her my maternity clothes to borrow she accepted them graciously. Then about a week later she texted me and said that she tried on the maternity clothes and that they were huge and there was no way she would get that big. So she returned them to me. Of course they were huge on her at the time, she was only two months pregnant. I was of course was a little insulted. We wear the same size pre-pregnancy and I didn't think I was that big when I was pregnant but whatever. Maybe she would end up as one of those super skinny pregnant ladies. I refer to those women as having "pregrexia". The funny part to this story is that about two months later she asked for the clothes back. She had grown out of the tiny maternity sizes she had bought and needed my "huge" pregnant clothes. To add just a little bit more humor to the subject...she eventually outgrew my maternity clothes. What she returned to me in the beginning saying that she would never be that huge, she became to huge herself to wear. Now if that is not Karma I don't know what is.

Oh my gosh I almost forgot about one more crazy rude thing Rose did. When I gave her the news that I was pregnant again she told me that I needed to give her the new breast pump that I can get for free through the new Obama care and that she needed me to order it right away. I already had one breast pump that I borrowed from my sister that I was using with my one year old daughter so I wasn't really planning to get the new breast pump. And if I did I wasn't going to give it to Rose...I would give my current pump back to my sister and keep the new Obama care one for myself. Rose was going back to work and wanted a second pump that she could keep at work so she didn't have to bring it back and forth between work and home. It really annoyed me that she felt so entitled to my breast pump. She wanted me to sign up for my free pump instantly so she could have one and until I got the new one she would need to use the one I currently had. WHAT!?! How rude right? I kindly told her that I wasn't sure if I would be signing up to get the free pump and that I still needed my pump since I was still nursing. I would let her know what I was planning on doing with the pumps if I ended up getting the free Obama pump. Then she responded back that she would send her son over to pick up my breast pump tomorrow. I was dumbfounded. Did she not hear anything I just told her. So again I told that NO she could NOT have my pump. I was still nursing and needed it. Then I suggested that she buy a second one. After all between her and her husband they probably earn about $200,000 a year. I think she can afford a pump.

To this day I still don't know what is going on with our friendship. I am still hoping to have a friendship (not sure why), but at this point I think it is up to her.

Sprinkles Cupcakes = Heaven In My Mouth

About a year after my first miscarriage and still not pregnant I started going to Southern California Reproductive Center where I was being seen by reproductive specialist Dr. Shahin Ghadir. For the first time I felt like a doctor was going to actually acknowledge I had a problem getting pregnant and try and help me. The doctors, nurses and staff were so compassionate, understanding, and treat you like you are their only patient. They are located in Beverly Hills, CA which isn't a bad place to have to go to a doctors appointment. It would take me almost three hours to drive from my house to the doctors office so you bet I was going to try and enjoy a little quality time in Beverly Hills. Nothing takes your mind off a Hysteropingogram (dye test) than a mouth-watering Sprinkles Cupcake and a stroll down Rodeo Drive.

Speaking of Sprinkles Cupcakes...if you have never had one you are missing out. They are to die for!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Eating a Sprinkles Cupcake should be on everyone's bucket list. You may be saying to yourself, "No thanks....I don't like cupcakes." Well I don't like them either, but this is not a cupcake. It is heaven. Also if you don't like frosting you can get cupcakes without frosting. I love that since I am not a huge fan of frosting. Although as frosting goes theirs is pretty awesome. Their cupcakes vary day to day. So they may not always have the same ones. They do seasonal cupcakes also. In the fall I had an awesome Pumpkin cupcake. One of my favorites that they seem to almost always have is the Cinnamon cupcake without frosting. The carrot cake, chocolate and red velvet are delicious too.

You're Not Pregnant...Now Get the Hell Out

Finally after almost two years of trying to conceive I got a "big fat positive"! I was so happy! It finally happened. I was going to have a baby!

I went to the doctor for my first prenatal visit at about 6 weeks. They had me pee on a stick and took a blood test to check my HCG level. It was official...I was pregnant. I told everybody! I wanted to scream it from the roof tops. At 7 weeks they wanted to test my HCG level again. No biggy. I figured this was normal protocol and that everything was perfect. They called me back a few days after my second HCG blood test. They said everything was fine, but they wanted me to come in for an ultrasound appointment to look at the baby because my HCG wasn't as high as they would like to see it. I immediately feared for the worst, but they once again assured me everything was fine and there was nothing to worry about. I had to wait a whole week for my ultrasound. It was the longest week of my life! I was sick with worry!

The day of my ultrasound was one of the worst days of my life. Unfortunately my husband had an important meeting and couldn't be there. It seemed like any other day for the ultrasound tech. She delivered my bad news and told me I could have the room to compose myself. I was going to miscarry! This miscarriage was called a blighted ovum which is when a fertilized egg implants itself into the uterus but doesn't develop into an embryo. I cried so hard! After about 5 minutes the woman came back in and told me that they needed the room for the next patient and I would need to leave. I walked through the waiting room full of expectant mothers, tears falling from my eyes. Once in my car I cried for over an hour in the parking lot. I was crying so hard that there was no way I could drive home. I felt so alone and like my world had just been destroyed. I didn't want to tell my husband the bad news. I felt like a complete failure. I had never heard of anyone having a miscarriage. Was I the only one?!? Was this a rare occurrence?!? What had I done wrong?!?

My doctor thought a D&C would be best, but I chose to wait and miscarry at home. In the back of my mind I thought it was all a mistake. There was no way I was going to let them scrape out my uterus...what if there just maybe was a baby in there. I ended up miscarrying at almost 10 weeks. It was very painful! Heavy bleeding and extremely painful cramps. The worst of it lasted for about 3 hours, but I went on to bleed for almost a full month! During this time while miscarrying I had my 29th birthday, was packing our apartment getting ready to move from Virginia to California, trying to buy a house that was 3,000 miles away, and saying goodbye to my business that I started myself. Needless to say it was a very stressful time!

Please Don't Cook With These Egg Whites

My infertility journey began 7 years ago when I was 27 years old. I went off the pill after taking it for almost 9 years straight. I had been married to my wonderful, loving and very supportive husband for three years and was ready to start a family. Like most couples I thought it would be easy. I figured the moment I stopped the pill I would be pregnant within a few months. I was so naive!

A year later...still not pregnant. I decided I better get serious and learn more about TTC.

I started charting my temperature. Or at least attempting. My problem with taking my temperature was trying to remember the instant I woke up to stick a foreign object into my mouth. Did you know that just raising your head off your pillow or sitting up will change your temperature. I was so bad at it you could tell nothing from my temperature. It was all over the place.

I tried the ovulation tests. First of all they are expensive. If I used them every month for as long as I have been TTC I would be broke. Second of all I never really seemed to get a clear positive. The line was always close in color to the other line but never as dark as or darker than.

Then I learned about my favorite go to method. Checking my cervical mucus. To do this method you can't be shy or embarrassed about your body. I remembered the first time I told one of my girlfriends about this. She thought it was hysterical and horrifying all at the same time. If you are unfamiliar with checking your cervical mucus it really is quite easy and not gross at all. Follow this step by step guide to checking your cervical mucus. (This makes me laugh. Something like this needs a step by step guide.)

          1.  Wash hands

          2.  Insert finger as far as you can into your vagina. The best source of cervical mucus is at your cervix.

          3.  Inspect cervical mucus.

          4.  Cervical mucus can be sticky, creamy, wet, watery and like egg whites.

          5.  Look for egg whites. Egg white cervical mucus will stretch an inch or more between fingers.

          6.  If you see egg whites you are ripe for the picking. Time to have sex.

See No, Hear No, Speak No Evil

This isn't my first rodeo being a blogger. I started a blog years ago. My heart and soul went into writing for it. And then I deleted all existence of my blog just like that. I wanted no trace of it. I wanted to forget all that I had written. Pretend like none of it ever happened.

You are probably speculating what I wrote about. Don't worry it was nothing criminal. It was just a period in my life that was emotionally exhausting. I overcame my issue for the time being and I thought if I deleted my blog that I would never have to think or deal with it again. Well, guess what....not true at all. I am back on the emotional roller coaster known as...................INFERTILITY!