My 13 week old fetus lay floating at the bottom of the toilet. This is the image that will forever be in my head. I am haunted with it ever day, but yet I can't speak about it to others.
5am on September 3, 2013 began an event in my life I will never forget. I am awaken by a very strong contraction. It's beginning...I am going to lose my baby. For the next hour I lay in bed in terrible pain, curled into a tight ball, tears falling from my eyes. My husband stayed by my side rubbing my lower back and watched me crumble into pieces. The amount of blood I was losing was scary, but nothing new to me. Previous to this miscarriage I had experienced childbirth and a miscarriage at 10 weeks. I suddenly feel the urge to poop and make my way to the bathroom. My tiny little baby falls into the toilet. I collapse into hysterical sobbing tears. I never knew I was capable of crying so loud and so hard. It scared me! My husband gently removed our baby from the toilet and rinsed her off. She was about 3 inches long but looked just like a baby. She had eyes, ears and a mouth and tiny little fingers and toes. She was our baby girl that we lost unexpectedly at 13 weeks.
I wasn't sure if I would be able to pull myself out of my depression and sadness and be able to move on. It took a couple months but thanks to the support of my family, friends and the Resolve community I pulled myself together and started trying again for baby #2.
Seven months later I became pregnant again. Unfortunately I miscarried and had a D&C at 7 weeks. As the doctors were about to take me away for my D&C my daughter says to a nurse "I'm getting a baby sister." My heart broke! What was wrong with my body? Why was it failing me? Four pregnancies...three of which ended in a miscarriage.
After many all day drives to my infertility specialist, countless vials of blood drawn, and more ultrasounds I was diagnosed with low ovarian reserve. When I say low I mean LOW...scary low. I pretty much have no eggs left. At age 33 I was told my reproductive age was more like a 42 year old woman. After speaking with three reproductive specialists I was told by one that IVF was my best option of ever having a second child, another recommended no medication IVF and the third doctor said donor eggs would be our best option.
As much as I want to dive right into an IVF cycle we can't right now. It is extremely expensive and unfortunately our insurance will not cover it. We have a beautiful two year old little girl and as much as we want to give her that little sister she has been asking for we have to think about her future. Depleting our bank account for multiple IVF treatments that may not work could take away from all the things we want and hope to give her in life. If only insurance would consider my infertility a disease and stop calling it cosmetic. I need help! We need help! This is why I am passionate about infertility. We are a group that is overlooked. We are told to just relax and it will happen. If only it was that easy!
I Resolve to educate others about infertility.
I Resolve to never give up. I Resolve to stand strong.
I Resolve to have a voice. I Resolve to tell my story.
Thank you to National Infertility Awareness Week, April 20-26 2014
To learn more about the RESOLVE movement and infertility please visit the RESOLVE website.
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